So apparently boiling that egg last week was not enough to tame my craving for excitement…DUH…I was on a roll. Instead of going out and doing something normal to deviate from the monotony of my life, I have decided to click the illusive ’send’ button on a highly classified email that has been sitting in my drafts folder for three weeks. At first it seemed like a good idea but now it all seems so silly, bordering on the level of a noon time soap opera. I have managed to turn myself into a ditz, complete with blonde hair and high pitched giggles often associated with teenaged girls whose IQs have plummeted to rock bottom after their mothers dropped them during the early stages of childhood. What’s worse, the whole act was reciprocated and now it’s given me false hope that will haunt me despite my better judgement screaming in my ear to wake up and smell the daisies!!
***insert deep sighs of remorse here***
Somebody help me find a goddamn life…
The other day I was sitting in the living room mulling over the pointlessness of my life when I had an epiphany. I suddenly felt the urge to do something spontaneous, something I would never do given any other circumstance. As I sat there staring at the blank TV screen after having watched Tom Hanks and his man friday Wilson struggle for life in a deserted island, I pondered over endless possibilities. It was one of those rare moments where I can do absolutely anything and not have a huge roadblock thrown in my face. For the first time in weeks, I could feel adrenalin pushing through my stagnant, fat and nicotine filled circulatory system. I was coming alive! I was seeing color! I could feel excitement which, considering the current state of things, was a real novelty. I had no idea watching a marooned FedEx guy grow a beard and have conversations with a volleyball could inspire me to feel the need to be dangerous…ME…the anti-christ of all things spontaneous has actually concocted something so wild, so unthinkable, so thrilling nobody would even believe it was me who did it!! And so I got up, knowing exactly what I had to do…
I went to the kitchen and boiled an egg.
And in case you’re wondering…No, I did not burn down my neighborhood.
Help!! The tumbleweeds have mutated and sprouted little arms and legs and multiply uncontrollably when it rains!
P.S. I never thought people could respond to my plea for help so quickly.
So no one came to the inauguration of my new hassle free life…except for my cat who happens to be the leading expert on how to remain motionless in your living room for prolonged periods of time. But that’s ok, I prefer celebrating on my own, especially since my social calendar has opened as a tumbleweed farm last week. Good news is, I now have the liberty of running through the apartment screaming until 4 am and not have to worry about whether or not my alarm clock would suddenly take a sabbatical and leave me two hours late for work (like it has done on several occassions). Bad news is, I have already gone half way through my The to-do list for today’s bum handbook and it has only been a week. A WEEK!! What on earth will I do with myself for the next 2 months other than ingest non-nutricious, heart attack-inducing food in front of the TV all day? Next thing you know, I will have to hire people to haul me out of the living room with a crane and drop me off at the nearest employement office currently hiring beached whale impersonators. And I thought my job was the only thing in my life that could drive me insane.
I’ll log in again next week and tell you all about the great bargain I got for used straitjackets.
